Words Unspoken|Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

I feel so relaxed and happy today. I don’t know what it is. Right now, I feel refreshed. That really is the only word for it.

Two nights ago, Matt’s sister Jane came into town for Christmas. I didn’t know she was coming this early, but I’m glad she did! We don’t see her often and I definitely wish we could, because she’s fantastic! When she got here, she started getting ready, and said she was going downtown to see Janelle (her/Matt’s niece) and so I figured I’d tell her that if she wanted company, I definitely wouldn’t mind going. Well, she didn’t mind company, and invited me along! I made sure she wasn’t just doing it to be nice, because I didn’t want to be a charity case, and then I got ready and we went out! We drank, danced, talked… generally had a fantastic time. After the bar, we went to Janelle’s place, because she lives right around the corner. We slept there on the couch and went out for breakfast in the morning before coming home at 11. It was really a great night, and I’m so glad I had the nerve to ask to go. I would have missed out!

Yesterday was spent being a complete and total bum. Being out in the cold so much on Saturday made me a bit sick, and I was probably a tiny bit hung over, too, so we were totally lazy. It was nice, though. Matt’s on vacation time right now so it’s awesome having him around all the time! Even if we’re just sitting on our computers, he’s here and that’s what’s fantastic.

Today, I was still feeling like death warmed up, but I decided that since I didn’t feel up to going to the gym I would go out with Jane and her mom instead. Walking is exercise, right? Right. Anyway, we went to see Matt’s brother and his fiancee, and to see Matt’s other sister at work. He’s got a huge family, if you can’t tell. After that we headed over to Walmart and I bought a few things. One of the things I bought was face cleanser and moisturizer. I used it a bit after I got home and I feel seriously refreshed. Isn’t it funny how pampering yourself even a tiny bit has such an effect?

I need to get back to reality. I need to start working out again, because my leg is finally healing. I need to get motivated. I need to bring my confidence level up. I need to do a lot of things.

Right now? I need to put on some Friends (Season 7, for those interested) and go to bed. I’ve had two Smirnoffs and a pretty rough night and now I need some sleep! My eyes are swollen, my head hurts, and I’m just plain tired! Enough whining, though. You don’t come here to read my whining!

I’m starting to really love photography. I don’t know if I’m that good, but I like what I do, anyway. Every day I pick my favourite picture and post it at Unwritten. I don’t have it set up so you can comment on the pictures over there, but feel free to tell me what you think! I’d love some feedback, really!

Today’s picture was from outside a restaurant that Matt’s mom, aunt and I went to for lunch. I was a good girl and had a salad, and the bad girl in me had some garlic bread. First thing I’ve eaten with butter in almost a month! But I only had the garlic bread because it came with the salad. No harm done, right? I was still within my limits for the day!

I’ve decided that if I reach my goal this month, I’m going to get a haircut. Nothing drastic, probably just a trim and a bit of a styling. I could use it. I feel pretty blah about myself right now.

I’m getting in the habit of eating healthy and exercising now. I’m kinda on a roll, to be honest. I have done some form of exercise (either a walk or Turbo Jam) every day since last Sunday. I’ve done strength training for the past three days. I’ve stayed within my food intake limits every single day this week. I’ve drank upwards of 8 glasses - usually around ten! - every day. And today, I started a multivitamin.

I’m seeing progress, too. I’ve lost yet another pound, which puts me down 4 pounds from my starting weight. Slow progress is better than no progress, in my opinion.

So, since all my poor friends have heard about for the past few days is my diet/exercise/whatever, time to talk about other things!

Last night, my raiding team took on Void Reaver for the first time. What a fun fight! I was very scared, reading the strategy, when I saw this:

Threat is an issue for high-threat generating classes, particularly shadow priests, so be careful: your threat will also be increased by healing your group members that get hit by Arcane Orbs.

However, I was able to maintain my threat and survive! Well, until the tank died. Y’know. But things happen. We got him to, like, 36% or something on our second try. Sadly, the amount of trash there is and the difficult pulls only gave us two tries on Void Reaver. By the time the second time came around, we had respawns all through the instance and couldn’t go any further. Regardless, it was fantastic fun and I was so excited to see something different for a change!

Kim, my shadow priest, is doing rather well in the gear department. She needs a few more things from Karazhan and one item from Heroic badges, but she’s starting to look pretty good!

Anyway, I think I’m going to play The Movies. Haven’t played it in a while, and decided it sounded like fun!

I’m tired. I cleaned a bunch today, did some “farming” on my priest (I made over 300 gold today!), finished up Karazhan and pretty much spent my day alone and bored. I had a pretty rough night mentally and emotionally, but I had a couple people who helped and made me feel back on track.

There’s a lot going on in my head lately. A lot of things that I want to change about myself, but don’t have the drive, or the courage, or the opportunity. And sometimes I start out strong, and end up not-so-strong. I need to make a list of these things, but I’m going to do it somewhere privately. It’s a private thing, you know?

I think one thing that has gotten to me is feeling invisible. Right now, it’s with some raids. I’ll study an encounter, read up on it, know what is “supposed” to happen like the back of my hand, but nobody listens to my suggestions. I think it gets to me more because I dealt with this while I was working, too. I had good, organized, logical suggestions for how to fix things, but nobody listened. I really hope I can work on making myself heard.

Anyway, it’s really late (early, really, because it’s morning!) so I need some sleep. Badly. My body is very angry with me right now. My ankle is swollen, and I don’t know why. i don’t remember hitting it, but I probably did at some point.

I’m watching X-Weighted right now, and it’s brought some questions up in my mind about self-confidence and self-esteem.

The self-esteem coach on the show told Naomi that her big “problem” is with her self-confidence. She has clothes that fit her body and she’s a gorgeous woman, but she’s very uncomfortable with herself and it’s hurting her.

This comes back to me, in my head. Obviously Matt finds me attractive, or else he wouldn’t have married me. I have friends that hear me bitch about my appearance or my size and tell me that I’m pretty and that I don’t look like I’m huge and disgusting. But huge and disgusting is how I see myself sometimes.

How does one change this? If there’s nothing left to do on the outside to bring yourself out, then how do you bring out a more confident person from what obviously isn’t self-confidence? Does this self-esteem just materialize? What can a person do so that they start to love the person that they are?