Words Unspoken|Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” (Sex and the City)

Do you ever stop before making a huge decision in your life and wonder “What if?” Has that ever stopped you from doing something?

I’ve made a lot of huge decisions in my life so far. When the time comes to make it, you have to weigh your options. Does the reward outweigh the risk you’re making? The biggest decision I made was the decision to move out here. Matt and I have our ups and downs like any couple, but I would never in a million years give it up. I wouldn’t move back. I wouldn’t start over. Given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing. My husband is there for me when I need him, and is everything to me.

He’s the person I come home to on the rare occasion that I go out, and I’m the person who greets him when he comes in from work. He’s the one who surprises me with a taco salad, or makes my plate at suppertime, or smells the air and makes “yummy noises” when I cook. He’s the one who hugs me when I cry and the one who tells me everything will be alright when I get nervous.

I think back and I can’t imagine not doing this. If I hadn’t done what I did, I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t be in this relationship with a man who loves me with his whole heart. I wouldn’t be finding out who I am, or working on my confidence. I don’t know what would have happened, but I do know I wouldn’t be here.

So every day, I think about my choices. I don’t wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t made them, but instead I remind myself that I made the best one for me. I am truly happy with my life this far, and how many people do you know that can say the same?

Someone bring me some munchy food, fast! I need it! Need it, I tell you! I might go make some chicken wings or a pizza pocket or something soon. I don’t know yet. But I’m resisting eating the entire bag of Doritos over on Matt’s desk!

Speaking of chicken wings, they’re opening a Pizza Town right around the corner from us. Right around the corner! I know, I know, you’re all wondering how I’m going to eat at Pizza Town with my diet, but honestly… I’ve lightened up. Matt says I’m “falling off the wagon” but really I consider it self-acceptance. I don’t overindulge. I weigh myself and I exercise when I’m feeling up to it. Let’s face it, depression makes doing every little thing difficult, if not downright impossible at times, so I cut myself some slack. I’m getting good at watching what I’m eating and knowing what it will do to my body. So if along the way I learn to love myself as I am, power to me, I think!

Anyway, as most of my friends know, Hallow’s End has begun and World of Warcraft is full of the same costumes, candy, bobbing apples and things as always. The main event right now is hunting down the Headless Horseman. It’s a fairly quick fight, especially with a full, well-geared group, and you can do it five times per hour, assuming a different person summons him each time. It’s almost like free epics!

Right now, Kim’s gotten everything I want for her except for the Sinister Squashling pet. I’m a bit of a vanity pet collector of sorts. I don’t have the bank space (yet) for all the pets I’d like to get, but right now I have a fairly nice collection, including the very rare Captured Firefly that I managed to loot last week.

Tonight, after doing our planned Heroic Slave Pens run and running the Headless Horseman event five times, I hopped on my Swift Flying Broom and went to visit an innkeeper. She turned me into a leper gnome, which my groupmates loved. “That’s so not Kim!” I think was the exact quote. We decided to take it a bit further. I put on my Farmer’s Broom (which I have since enchanted with Fiery to go along with my Wicked Witch’s Hat and generally shadow-y appearance) and a friend of mine tossed a Weighted Jack-o’-Lantern my way, and, well… His words are the best description of this ever. “That is a lot of Halloween crammed into a very tiny little space!”

I changed one of my goals for the week. With my schedule, not eating after 9 pm is practically impossible. So, I’ve decided to make myself drink 5 or more glasses of water per day. So far, the one day I’ve been trying it, I’ve succeeded. Let’s hope I can keep it up!

I’ve decided that going out is important, even if it is by myself. So, I went to the lake today and laid out on the beach! It was a bit weird, alone, but it felt nice anyway. So nice, in fact, that I intend to go back many times! I still have a month of hot days left, right? If not more! So yeah. The more I get out, the better I’ll feel. I hope.

Speaking of going alone… I suppose I should preface this with something. I love my online and offline friends. I love you all, very much. You’re all fantastic people, and I’d be crazy if it weren’t for you!

That said… I’m going through a bit of a rough patch in my life. It’s like a pre-mid-life crisis or something. I’m at an awkward age. Everyone speaks of awkward ages like it’s the years you go through puberty, but this one feels much more awkward to me than I did then. Everyone who knows me well knows that my baby fever is insatiable. But I can’t get away from all things baby! All my friends have children, and people online have children, and I swear if I didn’t know better, I’d think there is not one woman my age that is baby-less at the moment.

Now this isn’t meant to offend anyone, but I need to get it off my chest. I just have a hard time dealing with trying to find excitement and happiness while being childless when in my face constantly there’s the reminders of what a joy it is to be a mother. I’m so happy that all my friends have this joy, and I support them fully. I just think I need to figure out how to meet people more like me, who already know how to enjoy their time without constantly thinking BABY BABY BABY.

This isn’t being said because I intend to cut anyone out of my life. It’s not being said to hurt anyone’s feelings, or object to anyone’s life decisions. I just wanted to give an explanation as to why I have been (and possibly will continue to be) so distant lately. It’s nothing personal.

I don’t know what it is. I’m feeling cranky and angry and bitchy and rant-y… I think it’s because I’m getting sick or something. I’ve felt like crap the past few days. I can’t get past it, so I’m posting it here, I guess.

First of all, being arrogant? NOT COOL. Stop talking. Stop going on about how you know what’s going on and how to do everything, and just listen. If you’ve never fucking done this fight, you can’t possibly know how it’s going, now can you? No. So shut up and let the people who have done it explain it.

Also, I’m thinking of making a big change in my life, but I’m not sure how (or even whether) to go about it. It’s a hard decision but it will help my mental well-being immensely, and hopefully improve my social life. This being lonely and depressed all the time thing isn’t working. And to cut off rumours before they start, it has nothing to do with Matt. Matt, Elyse and Stacy are just about the only people that are keeping me sane lately.

I don’t know. Do you ever feel like you want to scream at someone for a million reasons? Like you’re claustrophobic in a room and can’t get out? I do.