I am so sore today that even my feet are begging me to lay off. However, that means I did good on my workout yesterday! I took the trainer’s advice and pushed myself. I keep feeling guilt, though. I did more than I’ve been doing, so I should be proud, but I feel like I should still have done more. I don’t know what it is about myself that I can’t just be proud of the little things. But, it’s me, I guess. I could lose all the weight in two days and still not be happy that it wasn’t only one! (Yes, I know that’s far-fetched. Deal with it!) Yesterday’s workout consisted of:

• Warmup: 5 minutes, bike, level 1.
• Lower back: 12 reps, 130 lbs.
• Leg extension: 12 reps, 90 lbs.
• Leg curl: 12 reps, 90 lbs.
• Seated row: 12 reps, 50 lbs.
• Chest press: 12 reps, 50 lbs.
• Shoulder lateral raise: 12 reps, 20 lbs.
• Bicep: 4 reps, 35 lbs.
• Tricep: 6 reps, 35 lbs.
• Abdominal: 12 reps, 45 lbs.
• Treadmill: 2.5 minutes, level 3.
• Lower back: 12 reps, 130 lbs.
• Leg extension: 12 reps, 90 lbs.
• Leg curl: 6 reps, 90 lbs.
• Chest press: 8 reps, 50 lbs.
• Elliptical: 2 minutes, level 1.
• Bike: 3 minutes, level 3.

It’s a lot, even listed out, so that makes me feel much better, to be honest. I wish I’d been able to make it through two full circuits but if I could, then what would need to be improved? I’m going to go in tonight and do a 30 minute cardio circuit, trying to mix in all the machines. It should be fun!

As for my food, I’ve been doing good so far, I think. I’ve traded in my chips (oh, lovely chips) for brown rice crisps. They are actually a good alternative, so I’m satisfied. Last night’s meal was awesome. Even Matt enjoyed it! I made Havarti- and asparagus-stuffed chicken thighs, roasted red potatoes and asparagus, and served it with a large side salad. So yummy! I’m trying to experiment with healthier foods and get myself on a regular eating schedule so I stop forgetting to eat, then binging when I get really really hungry. Matt and I were talking last night and if I stick with the gym, I might be signing up at some point to take a healthy living class at Superstore (which is where the gym is). We’re waiting, though, because it’s $120, and I don’t want to spend that when I’m already paying for the gym and have slacked off a few times on that. No sense wasting money! It’d be a good thing for me, though, because it’s got menus and recipes, as well as a support system. Almost like a mini Weight Watchers!

Went for a free consult again today with a personal trainer. Lots of tears later, I discovered that I am heavier and just shy of my absolute ceiling for weight - I can’t go any higher than this. I have to stop it. My body fat percentage is also four higher than it was the last time I went. FOUR PERCENT. That’s a big number, really. I know exactly how many pounds I have in fat but I don’t feel comfortable posting that here, so just know that it’s large and that I know what I need to do.

We talked about food. I’ll be keeping a food diary every day of everything that I eat. I need to keep track of it so that I remember to eat. It’s not an intentional starvation thing or a crazy diet, I just… forget. So I need to work on that! I’m also working on eating healthier foods when I do eat. Like right now? I’m snacking on a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Yum!

Good news, though, is that my blood pressure is normal. I don’t know how it happened that someone my size has normal blood pressure, but I do! My heart rate was a bit high but that’s because I was crying and emotional, so that helps explain it. I’m quite proud! However, the rough news…

I have to start going to the gym five days or more per week. Five. That’s a lot of gym time. I’m thinking my plan will be Monday, Wednesday, Friday for weights, and Monday through Friday for cardio. I’m going to plan out exactly what I want to do in advance so I don’t slack off. I need to do this, for myself. I need to be my own trainer. It’s not going to be easy, but I can do it, right?

So much to talk about that it’s hard to know where to begin, so I guess the beginning would be a good start. So let’s see…

Woke up around 10:30 or so and confirmed my appointment for tomorrow. Scared out of my mind for the blood work because, let’s face it, who wants giant needles in their arm? Oh, well, though. A bit later, Katie (Matt’s brother’s fiancee, and a good friend of mine) called me to let me know that she’d be over to pick me up in a little while. I got dressed, emailed with my mom, and headed downstairs to wait.

Katie and I headed back to her place, where we sat around for a bit, mopped her kitchen floor, and chatted while playing with her daughter (my niece), Lannah. We went looking for Matt’s cousin to see if she’d watch Lannah while we went to the gym, but she wasn’t home. However, we saw a much more disturbing sight on the way to her place. We pulled onto a small side road and saw a boy (around 13 or so) on the ground with three boys on top of him, kicking and punching him while he flailed around. We locked our doors and rolled up our windows (I don’t care if they were 13, we weren’t taking any chances, as they were obviously not friendly to begin with) and as we were pulling into the parking lot we saw one of the boys’ faces - it turns out it was Matt’s cousin’s son. The son of the woman we were going to go find. I believe Katie’s going to talk to his mother later, and since we had no way of getting ahold of the police or anything and since the boys fled the scene, we couldn’t really do anything. I can honestly say it was scary though. I can’t imagine what young boys would have to fight that much about, really.

Anyway, Katie found a sitter for Lannah around 3:30ish and we headed out to the gym. I had my four photos taken for my medical tomorrow while Katie ran to the bank, and then we headed up and she had her orientation for the gym while I wandered around with them. Then we did a bit of cardio warm-up on the bike, the weight circuit, and then 5 minutes on the treadmill. We decided to stop there so we’re not too sore for the next couple days, and we’re going to go back Friday. I think having her around will really help my motivation, and I hope I can do the same for her!

After that, we decided to go swimming (even though the sun and heat and humidity had all but disappeared by this point) so she took me back to my apartment so I could put on my swimsuit and grab a towel, and we headed out to the lake. We swam for about a half hour, in ice cold water, talking about how we’d waited a year to do this again. Regardless of how cold it was, it felt fantastic and I think it was a great way to relax my muscles down after a nice workout.

After this, I came home and made BLTs with Matt, played some EQ2, and am sitting here just relaxing. Tomorrow, I’m going to clean up the apartment during the day, and then head out to the doctor for my medical, and then the hospital for my X-rays and blood work. All in all, it was a great day. Summer’s officially here!

I slept very weird last night - heavy dreaming and I woke up actually hurting. But that might be due in part to my workout yesterday - I did all upper body because my foot is still messed up! So anyway, that makes my chest and shoulders and upper back and arms very sore today. It’s a good sore, though, because it means I’m doing the workout that I need to be doing.

I’m trying to eat healthier, but TRYING is the key word there. How do people lose weight all the time? I’ve been at a plateau for what, a year now? Ugh. Disgusting. Thankfully, though, I can look at myself in a mirror now and see that I have more of a shape, and feel better about myself. Who can hate curves? I sure can’t!

What I can hate, however, is my eyes constantly burning. I need to go in soon for an eye exam and new contacts because my eyes just can’t handle not having them! Plus, a fresh prescription certainly couldn’t hurt, because seeing is definitely underrated. Well, seeing clearly, that is.

For the past week or so, Mew Mew’s been back to the way she was when we first got her. I was really getting tired of her trying to leave the bedroom constantly, only to want to be let back in three minutes later. It’s also nice not having anyone here to feed her treats and make her WANT to be away from me. Just the other night she wandered into the bedroom, meowing, and I turned around to give her the attention I usually give her when she comes in meowing, and I see that she’s brought me a present - her grey stuffed mouse. She’s wandering into my bedroom with a mouse, and obviously brought it for me, since she dropped it at my feet and wouldn’t stop meowing until I picked it up! She’s sweeter than she seems sometimes, that’s for sure.

The past two days were filled with lots of cleaning - we pretty much cleaned the apartment from top to bottom! I have to finish up a bit of dishes that are in the sink from yesterday, but otherwise… clean! I even swept and mopped the bathroom and vacuumed the hall and bedroom. Life always feels better in a clean home, doesn’t it?

And with that, I think I’m going to do the dishes and leave them out to dry, and then play some EQ2. I’m really enjoying my free play time, and why wouldn’t I? It’s free time with a game that I love but can’t play because I love WoW more. Now if only they’d throw player housing into WoW, I’d be set!