I spent my day at the library today. I know this sounds like a boring thing for most people, but for me, it’s like my own little slice of Heaven. I don’t care if the kids are loud - mind you, they were very loud today, and running on tables. I don’t care of people look at me funny. I don’t care about any of these things, as long as I get to be around things I care about - books! I know this might come as a surprise as I don’t mention it often, but I love books. I’ve been an avid reader since I was two. Yes, two. I was reading books and even parts of the newspaper as a toddler. Funny story, actually. My grandparents are always glad to tell it. I used to walk around with I Can Fly in my hand, reading it to anyone that would listen. They were so convinced I had memorized the words, but I kept telling them I was reading it. They finally believed me when they took the book and gave me a newspaper instead!

Anyway, back to the library. I spent all day there, looking at books. I took two out at one point in the morning, probably around noon if I had to guess. I went back and found about five more I wanted, so I decided to take those out as well! Went up to the self-scanner thing, put my library card under it, and what does it say? “Please visit the circulation desk to check out your books.” I’m thinking this must be some sort of fraud thing, since I’d already checked out books during that day, so I walk on up to the desk and explain that to the woman behind the counter. The next words out of her mouth crushed me, though: “Your card only allows you to check two out at a time.” Wait, WHAT? Two at a time? I have seven delicious books in my hand just waiting to be read, and I can only have two?

Thankfully, I was able to skim through a few of them before Matt came to pick me up and make a list of the ones I wanted for next time, so I know what to get out. I’m going to try to get my card up to “regular” status instead of this weird limited one. I think if I bring my temporary resident paper they’ll see my address and hey, it’s from the government! If not, I’ll have to get Matt to go back to get a new one, as he seems to have lost his, unfortunately. On the bright side, while hunting for his card (with no luck, of course) I came across a few letters and cards that we can add to our immigration pile for “proof” of our relationship. It still terrifies me that I’m putting my marriage in the hands of someone that I have never met, but I guess it’s a risk I have to take, since I’ve fallen in love with a Canadian man!

I’ve done more research on hypothyroidism over the past few days, and the more I read the more I realize that this has to be my problem. Once I have health care I think I’m going to go in to get it checked out, because it’ll be much better to know and have it treated. How amazing would it be if after struggling with anxiety, depression and weight gain (amongst other things, though those three are the most visible symptoms for me) that I would find out that none of it is my “fault” and that it can be treated? I’d be super relieved, not to mention the fact that perhaps for once my hard work when it comes to healthy eating and working out might actually finally pay off. I’m so over being fat and depressed.

I’m installing the Sims 2 right now. I uninstalled it because my previous installation was a mess - all random folders and tainted with custom content that didn’t work, and extra files in the game. It’ll be nice to have a clean slate to play on! I just hope I can have self-control and, oh, I don’t know, organization when it comes to custom content this time. No sense in messing up the game again. Especially not with this many installations, as they’d take forever to wade through and reinstall, like they are now!

Anyway, I believe I’m going to finish these installations and head to bed to watch some Spongebob (Hey, what can I say? I love the little yellow guy!) and read French Women Don’t Get Fat. I hope everyone has a wonderful night!

On a whim the other day, Matt and I decided to make a trek over to Chapters and pick up some books. He got some geeky ones, I got some girly ones.

I’m in the middle of Remember Me right now and I’m loving it! It reminds me of Samantha Who? in a way. Fantastic show, by the way. I’m a fan of shows that are either narrated (like Sex and the City) or have mini-titles (like this one!). Anyway, back to the book. I’ve got all of the Shopaholic books and the Undomestic Goddess so I had to have this one when it came out. I waited a bit and got it for quite a discount! On top of that, each of the other four books (all Red Dress Ink, by the way, my favourite kind!) was $4.99 with a 10% discount! Go go bargain shopper! It made up for Matt’s fancy programming books (which I may use someday myself!) that I don’t happen to have a photo of right now.

Right now my head is killing me, but I had to blog. Why, you ask? This is why:

We’ll start with the sore muscles. I went to the gym yesterday, as always, and was going to do my basic cardio warm-up and then weight circuit. When I got there, I realized I was just in time for a new class - back and abs. By the end of the half hour class, I was so tired that I could only do the lower back machine. After that I just went home. I was beating myself up for it, until today. Today, my ab muscles are so sore that walking hurts. Today, I’m down two pounds from yesterday. Today, I feel better about my fitness than I have in a couple of months. So I’m satisfied!

After my workout I went to buy some staple groceries (toilet paper, garbage bags, etc.) and came across a sequel to a book series that I loved reading - Shopaholic & Baby. I’m not very far into the book but so far it’s living up to my expectations! I love series books. It makes it easier to be absorbed in the story.

Now, about Facebook requests… What’s the deal with them? I have to admit that I’m annoyed by them. I hate having to log in and “ignore” 20+ requests on a daily basis. I’m not completely innocent - I’ll send requests to select people if it’s an application that I think they will find interesting or fun. However, I don’t just let every application that I ever use send requests to every person on my friends list. Is it just me, or does anyone else think that’s rude and/or annoying?

It always seems like when there’s a lot I want to do, I have zero motivation. Right now, I keep looking at my list of things that need to be cleaned, and not doing any of them. I get way overwhelmed with housework and when there’s too much to do, I don’t want to do any. I’m well aware of how strange that might sound, but it’s not as strange as it seems. I don’t think, anyway. It’s like… I have a mountain to climb, but I don’t know quite where to start. I feel that way about a lot of things in my life right now.

I totally pigged out tonight. Tacos and taco salad for dinner. However, that was all I ate except for a piece of bread with peanut butter this morning. I’ve decided that Saturdays will be my “indulgence” days - I’m not holding myself accountable like the rest of the week. I’ve discovered that my body is getting more and more used to portion control and cravings control and it’s rejecting too much food or “bad” food. So I’m literally just going to go with my gut on Saturdays.

I bought some new deodorant today, too. Secret Clinical Strength stuff. I’ve heard good things about it, so I figured I’d try it. I have such problems with deodorant that I decided it was worth a change. So far I’m incredibly impressed - no problems at all, and I feel dryer and less icky than I usually do.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. This explains the posting at quarter after 5 in the morning. Just too much running through my head. Problems with people, problems with myself, problems with my body and my past and my future. Just so many problems. It’s like when one thing gets me down, the rest come with it. I started feeling a tiny bit lonely. Then I started also feeling annoyed with many people. These two feelings snowballed together for a while and ended up with me not wanting to talk to anyone. I decided that if I wasn’t worth other peoples’ time, or if they were just going to annoy me or bring the drama, I wasn’t going to bother. Why bother, right? Well, this led to the battle of the brain - I was lonely and I was antisocial. It’s usually one or the other, but nope. I wanted friends but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Way to get in my own way, I guess. Anyway, after this, I started feeling the “autumn” feeling. It hits me harder than most people, I think. Autumn leads to winter, and winter leads to depression for me for many reasons that I don’t really want to go into. Just know that if winter never came, I might feel better. But I can’t make it go away. However, my hair is falling out again. Matt’s finding it everywhere, and every time I run my fingers through it I lose a bunch. It’s the stress. It’s the mental issues. It’s stuff that I can’t possibly deal with on my own but don’t have anyone to help me deal with.

Anyway, a very good friend of mine suggested that I lay back and read a book, so I did. In a baking soda bath. After softening my feet and shaving my legs. I put on my White Strips and lay back in the nice warm water and read a book. Did it help? A bit. But not enough to make it go away, so I’m still awake. However, I’m tired, so I think I’ll be going to bed soon.

So for those of you that wondered what’s been going on, this is the summary. Really, I just want to go out right now. I feel like I wasted the whole summer because I had nobody to share most of it with, and now I’m afraid I’ll waste the fall and come winter, my life will be ruined by events that I can’t help but be afraid of. So… yeah.

I didn’t sleep last night. It started out with me leveling Thaelani. Then, Matt had me watch a scary scene in a movie. Then, I ate some Doritos with refried beans, so I decided I’d have to wait to sleep for a while. Then I kept leveling Thae. I finally got super tired, so I decided to go to bed. As usual, I went to put on an on-demand movie, because I sleep better. I chose Little Miss Sunshine. Bad idea.

I got so intrigued by the movie that it is now quarter after eight in the morning, and I’m awake still! I may take a nap later, I may not. I suppose we’ll see.

Amy and I were going to go to the beach today, but the weather forecast looks pretty bleak. All day it says “overcast” and “rain” and that just will not do! I suppose we’ll see, though. We might do something.

I intend to bake a cake at some point today. Why, you ask? Because mine and Matt’s one year anniversary is tomorrow! The top of our wedding cake didn’t last the whole year due to a fairly disappointing wrapping job, so I’ll just make an easy cake for us, and we can eat that!

I’ve been reading more of You: On A Diet, and I really like it. One thing that has really caught my eye is the fact that they say that the amount of fat around your belly is a pretty good indicator of how much stress you have been dealing with. This explains a lot.

I was relatively tiny all my life, up until college. I started gaining weight as I went through an awful relationship with a guy that I’d rather just pretend doesn’t exist, was kicked out of my house, and then I went through a few different jobs and the emotional and mental stress with dealing with them, and the weight just kept coming. Then, I met another guy, went through some other life-changing events, got engaged, called off that engagement, met a man, fell madly in love with that man, moved out to Nova Scotia, then had to leave again after six months. Five months of living with my family, who I didn’t really get along with, then coming back out to Nova Scotia, getting married and then moving one more time. That’s a lot of stress for about five years. I have moved a total of seven times since I was 17. I’ve been engaged twice and married. I’ve dealt with bad jobs and good jobs, and family problems, and deaths in the family (four in the past year alone!). I planned a wedding 1400 miles away from my family, and none of them showed up, which was stressful. I haven’t made very many new friends, and I spend a lot of time alone in the apartment, because I’m shy and have low self-confidence. So, I’d say this weight around my belly is very justified. I’m not saying it’s good. I’m not saying it’s healthy. But each pound has a story of its own in a way, right?

That said, my life is settling down. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful marriage. A fantastic best friend who is there for me no matter what, even though she’s far away. An awesome pet who always knows just when I need her to cuddle with me. And so now, it’s time to get rid of the stress, let myself work through my mental issues, and get rid of this stress that’s built up, both emotionally/mentally and physically.

It’s time for a new me! But right now? This new me needs some breakfast and a cup of tea.