Words Unspoken|Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

I’m honestly quite tired of lazy days, but I don’t get much else these days. I’ll be filling out my immigration paperwork within the next couple weeks and mailing that out, which is terrifying! I’ll be going in for volunteer training on Monday which is less scary. Other than that, I have absolutely nothing to do with my time!

Today I changed a few of my 101 things list. I was able to move rearrange the bedroom from the “to do” list to the “done” list, which is cool. I need to do a few of those other things on my own though. Maybe sometime in the next few weeks I’ll get them done! Another thing I changed is that I added something. I’ve wanted to do this for quite a while, so regardless of how silly it is, I added that I want to own either this ring or this ring. I’ve come so close to buying the mesh heart ring so many times that I couldn’t begin to count them, but always backed down. But I decided that I deserve something nice, and once I’m able to own that ring, then I will deserve it. Notice I didn’t say that I have to BUY it. Matt could buy it for me, or a family member, but I’ll most likely be buying it myself, which will probably make me feel proud!

Other than that… I’m attempting to eat healthier these days because I’m frustrated again with my weight. However, when am I not? I need to get back into the gym. I’ve been wanting to go with Katie, but she has been sick since we went last week, poor thing, so I think I just need to get myself in there and do it myself. I can’t rely on anyone but myself! I just feel so worthless these days. The depression is hitting me pretty hard lately and not much makes it better. I think it’s cabin fever. I spent Canada Day doing laundry, and I never go out, and I don’t have a tan. But that’s news for another time.

I feel down. I’m not sure if it’s depression, or boredom, or both. Probably both. I’ve been upbeat and peppy (or trying to be) for the past few days. I’m not sure if it suits me anymore.

Jane and I went to a tavern around the corner on Saturday and had some fun. Way too much to drink, but we didn’t even pay for all of them. It’s the first time someone has bought me a drink that I didn’t know! It was some strange milestone in a way, I guess. I’ve decided not to go out drinking much anymore, though. As fun as it is to get out there and dance and have some fun, I can have fun without alcohol in my system, too. The bloated feeling the next day and the extra pounds are so not worth it. Not to mention the price of the tab at the end of the night.

The guy we were talking to and Jane both told me that I’m the kind of person everyone likes to talk to. Apparently I’m happy, bubbly and fun. I think it was the alcohol talking. Though, I was very bubbly and happy in high school. Where exactly did that person go? These days I’m lucky if I leave my bedroom.

I guess I’m still just trying to figure out where I fit, or something. Who knows. I just feel lonely. Which is funny, because I’ve seen more people in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years before that combined.

I’m so bored. Really. You know those moments when you don’t really feel like doing anything but you want something to do? Yeah, that’s what I’m going through right now. It doesn’t help that tonight’s Grey’s was a rerun. Ugh! Matt and I laid in bed to watch it and it was the first one of the season. I really hope I don’t have to wait too long to see the last part of the last episode. It had the best cliffhanger at the end!

I’m a bit sore. So far this week, I’ve went to the gym twice. Tomorrow will make my third day. Wednesday was a rough day for me. I got there and ran on the treadmill, then tried to go on the bike, and it just didn’t feel like it was working. I ended up talking to the fitness manager and crying. I felt like such a baby! She reassured me that it happens a lot and that it’s not an easy thing to do. Then she took me in the personal training room and weighed me and got my body fat percentage and gave me a goal to work for. She said to talk to her around Christmas and we’ll see how I’m progressing. She gave me a fitness plan to work for, too, which helps a lot. I was totally focusing on the wrong thing. It’s no wonder I haven’t seen progress in a couple months! I’m feeling refreshed and just in time, too, for the new month!

Christmas is coming soon. I’m not totally excited about it, just like I haven’t been the past few years, but I’m feeling a bit more excited this year than the past two, so that’s good. I’ve already bought some of Matt’s gifts and wrapped them. I’ve also bought Christmas cards and started addressing them. I’m trying to still force myself out of my “funk” and get happy and excited and be… well, be normal, I guess.

I was thinking today about what it’s like to be unique. I guess I’m unique - there’s nobody just like me in the world. Matt likes me for who I am, and I have a few friends that accept me the way I am, but I get the feeling a lot of people just write me off instead of giving me a chance. This makes me sad, but what’s a girl to do, right? I guess it’s hard for me to tell when I should just give up and when I should be persistent. I don’t want to seem like I don’t care, but I don’t want to come across as annoying, either. I’m so bad at this social thing, really.

It always seems like when there’s a lot I want to do, I have zero motivation. Right now, I keep looking at my list of things that need to be cleaned, and not doing any of them. I get way overwhelmed with housework and when there’s too much to do, I don’t want to do any. I’m well aware of how strange that might sound, but it’s not as strange as it seems. I don’t think, anyway. It’s like… I have a mountain to climb, but I don’t know quite where to start. I feel that way about a lot of things in my life right now.

I totally pigged out tonight. Tacos and taco salad for dinner. However, that was all I ate except for a piece of bread with peanut butter this morning. I’ve decided that Saturdays will be my “indulgence” days - I’m not holding myself accountable like the rest of the week. I’ve discovered that my body is getting more and more used to portion control and cravings control and it’s rejecting too much food or “bad” food. So I’m literally just going to go with my gut on Saturdays.

I bought some new deodorant today, too. Secret Clinical Strength stuff. I’ve heard good things about it, so I figured I’d try it. I have such problems with deodorant that I decided it was worth a change. So far I’m incredibly impressed - no problems at all, and I feel dryer and less icky than I usually do.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. This explains the posting at quarter after 5 in the morning. Just too much running through my head. Problems with people, problems with myself, problems with my body and my past and my future. Just so many problems. It’s like when one thing gets me down, the rest come with it. I started feeling a tiny bit lonely. Then I started also feeling annoyed with many people. These two feelings snowballed together for a while and ended up with me not wanting to talk to anyone. I decided that if I wasn’t worth other peoples’ time, or if they were just going to annoy me or bring the drama, I wasn’t going to bother. Why bother, right? Well, this led to the battle of the brain - I was lonely and I was antisocial. It’s usually one or the other, but nope. I wanted friends but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Way to get in my own way, I guess. Anyway, after this, I started feeling the “autumn” feeling. It hits me harder than most people, I think. Autumn leads to winter, and winter leads to depression for me for many reasons that I don’t really want to go into. Just know that if winter never came, I might feel better. But I can’t make it go away. However, my hair is falling out again. Matt’s finding it everywhere, and every time I run my fingers through it I lose a bunch. It’s the stress. It’s the mental issues. It’s stuff that I can’t possibly deal with on my own but don’t have anyone to help me deal with.

Anyway, a very good friend of mine suggested that I lay back and read a book, so I did. In a baking soda bath. After softening my feet and shaving my legs. I put on my White Strips and lay back in the nice warm water and read a book. Did it help? A bit. But not enough to make it go away, so I’m still awake. However, I’m tired, so I think I’ll be going to bed soon.

So for those of you that wondered what’s been going on, this is the summary. Really, I just want to go out right now. I feel like I wasted the whole summer because I had nobody to share most of it with, and now I’m afraid I’ll waste the fall and come winter, my life will be ruined by events that I can’t help but be afraid of. So… yeah.

I am really freaking lonely.