How is everyone? I feel bad that I’ve been so anti-social but I’m dealing with a mess of personal issues that I don’t really want to or know how to talk about with anyone, so I’m dealing with them silently. That’s part of why I’m avoiding socializing online right now… I don’t need more drama to add to the mess that’s in my brain! That said, I hope everyone’s well. My self-induced solitude is a bit depressing and lonely, but I’ll work through it.

I found out Matt’s sister is coming to town for Christmas. The word Christmas gives me a shiver and makes me want to curl up in a ball, but I’ll get past that. I just wish there was a way to make it all go away so I can think about what used to be the happiest time of the year for me be that way again! I think it’s because bad things always happen to me in the winter, and I’m terrified what’s next.

Anyway, I’m trying to get back on track with my diet. I did lots of working out today and counted every calorie that went into my body, which is good. I’m really trying - I want to lose the weight pretty badly and with myself feeling so low I could use the rush that exercise gives me. Only problem was that today I pushed myself too hard and got to the point where I physically couldn’t continue - I collapsed into my chair and didn’t get up for about two hours. I’m just sick of the number on the scale and I want to make it go far, far away!

I really hope you all don’t have to read all this depressing crap until next spring. I want something fun to write about, I do! But I don’t go anywhere or do anything, and I don’t really have many people to talk to, so I just post about the same old crap every day! What’s more fun, reading about how I did absolutely the exact same thing as yesterday and last week, or not seeing me post at all? That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. If anyone actually reads this, I want answers!

For the most part, eating healthy and exercising is really helping my moods. I’m less paranoid, more positive, and I feel more proud of myself. Most of the time.

Yesterday, I felt incredibly lonely. I was looking through old friends’ profiles on social networking sites (Myspace, Facebook, etc.) and saw them all graduating college, hanging out with friends, going on vacations, going to parties… All the things that I don’t do, and may never do. I started thinking about deleting them all off of my lists. I mean, they don’t message me or anything, and we don’t talk, despite my efforts, so why bother? But a part of me feels like I’ll regret it. Like if I delete them, it’s the final straw - that’s it. No chance at ever being friends again.

Maybe it’ll give me a push to make more friends out here, but I can wish that all I want, it won’t happen. I have no way of meeting people out here. Seriously. I don’t get it, because it’s like there’s a strange age gap. There must be no 22 year old women in Halifax, besides myself. That’s it! Just me! Otherwise, where are they? Where are they hiding? And how do I make friends? It’s something you learn in Kindergarten, yet I still obviously can not grasp the concept.

Any advice?

…though not quite. Today is sad. I’m moody or something, I guess. I’m pretty upbeat about it, though. It’s weird how that works out.

I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on my social life, but so far, no bites. I haven’t went out in ages, except to the store. It’s not fun! I want to go out, and be around people, and feel alive. I feel like I wasted the summer, so that’s hanging over my head right now. I just hope I get out of this funk soon!

Looks like another night at home. I’m thrilled, as you can plainly see. I mean, who wouldn’t be? I’m 22, dressed nicely, with makeup on and hair done, and am spending a Friday night sitting at my computer desk.

Forgive me while I go seethe for a while.

I’m feeling very down right now. I’ve been feeling it a bit for a couple days now, but it’s pretty bad tonight. I think it’s partly hormonal and partly due to my splitting headache that I’ve had all day, but I don’t know that for sure. For all I know, it could be some weird sense of impending doom!

Really, though, I’ve had a few things the past few days that are getting to me. I’m feeling social, and craving… people. Which sounds cannibalistic, but I mean it in a purely non-eating way. I was supposed to go to the beach the other day, but the person I was going with never called, and didn’t answer when I called them, and I ended up sitting home all day when I really wanted to go out. Is it too much to ask to have a drink or go to the beach or… anything? I swear there must be more people around here that aren’t up to their limit on friendships. I hate sitting here at my desk all day. I hate feeling alone. I hate not wanting to sign up for raids on the off-chance that I might miraculously have someone to go out with for the night, only to find out I could’ve gone and had a chance at loot. At the rate I’m going, I’ll have every piece of gear in the game before I go out to the bar for a night with a friend.

Another reason I’m frustrated is that my grandma sent me an email saying that she’s been trying to call me, and that nobody answers the phone. I’m not going to answer the phone at 10:30 at night, or every time it rings. At 10:30, I’m either raiding, sleeping, or trying to spend some much-needed time with Matt. Tonight? I had a headache and didn’t want to have the same conversation that we have every single time she calls. “How are you? How is Matt? We went here, did this, did that. Do you talk to your mom? Do you talk to your dad? This is what he did that irritated people. So, when are you coming to visit? When are you moving back?” I might understand if people were genuinely interested in my life, but really, nobody cares. I don’t do anything interesting anyway. I don’t have stories to tell that people would understand unless they play WoW with me. I don’t have things to be excited about or brag about. Yes, I could go on about Mew Mew and how cute she is, but who cares?

Why is it that the people I want to just leave me be for a while won’t, but I can’t make any contact with people I’d like to spend time with? And when did making friends get to be so hard?

I don’t discount my online friendships in any way. I hope all of you know that. I just need to get out on the town for a night. I need friends that are nearby, and in the same stage of life as I am, and I need to have fun and get away from this sitting here, being fat, feeling glum.