Words Unspoken|Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

I am so fatigued lately. It’s not just tired - I know it’s not a lack of sleep because I’m on a more regular sleeping schedule lately than I have been in years. I’m just worn out. I haven’t been to the gym in a few days, but even Matt hasn’t given me a hard time because I’ve felt so miserable.

I’ve been working on my immigration forms and will be mailing them out this week. What should make me nervous feels like a big sigh of relief just on the horizon. Preparing to send them is stressing me out to my limits - “What if I forget something?” “What if this isn’t enough?” “What if something goes wrong?” - but I think once I mail them, I’ll be good. I keep hearing that after they’re sent is the easy part, so I’ll trust in that. I just go along with my life, one day at a time, and wait. I don’t have to do anything but wait. No more blaming myself for procrastination or for anxiety attacks. No more waking up in the middle of the night thinking “Oh my goodness, I’m going to be kicked out of the country for no reason”, just… relaxing. Living. That’ll be a nice change of pace.

Matt’s mom is home for the next two days. She’s been here since last week sometime, and while I don’t mind having her here, I am looking forward to her going back on vacation. There’s something about readjusting to not being the woman of the house that always stresses me out. I don’t feel like leaving my room and I end up feeling claustrophobic and lazy.

I’ve been sick the past few days too. Last night I left my raid early, after killing Archimonde for the first time, my raid group was heading over to Black Temple, but I was so sick. I had chest pains and an upset stomach and my third migraine in as many days. Lately my head just feels cloudy, like I’m walking around in a fog. I’m exhausted (like I said) and just… blah. I’m hoping this weekend will cure that. I’m house-sitting for Matt’s sister next week and am looking forward to a few days out in the middle of nowhere. I could use the silence.

Title quote from Benjamin Franklin

I spent my day at the library today. I know this sounds like a boring thing for most people, but for me, it’s like my own little slice of Heaven. I don’t care if the kids are loud - mind you, they were very loud today, and running on tables. I don’t care of people look at me funny. I don’t care about any of these things, as long as I get to be around things I care about - books! I know this might come as a surprise as I don’t mention it often, but I love books. I’ve been an avid reader since I was two. Yes, two. I was reading books and even parts of the newspaper as a toddler. Funny story, actually. My grandparents are always glad to tell it. I used to walk around with I Can Fly in my hand, reading it to anyone that would listen. They were so convinced I had memorized the words, but I kept telling them I was reading it. They finally believed me when they took the book and gave me a newspaper instead!

Anyway, back to the library. I spent all day there, looking at books. I took two out at one point in the morning, probably around noon if I had to guess. I went back and found about five more I wanted, so I decided to take those out as well! Went up to the self-scanner thing, put my library card under it, and what does it say? “Please visit the circulation desk to check out your books.” I’m thinking this must be some sort of fraud thing, since I’d already checked out books during that day, so I walk on up to the desk and explain that to the woman behind the counter. The next words out of her mouth crushed me, though: “Your card only allows you to check two out at a time.” Wait, WHAT? Two at a time? I have seven delicious books in my hand just waiting to be read, and I can only have two?

Thankfully, I was able to skim through a few of them before Matt came to pick me up and make a list of the ones I wanted for next time, so I know what to get out. I’m going to try to get my card up to “regular” status instead of this weird limited one. I think if I bring my temporary resident paper they’ll see my address and hey, it’s from the government! If not, I’ll have to get Matt to go back to get a new one, as he seems to have lost his, unfortunately. On the bright side, while hunting for his card (with no luck, of course) I came across a few letters and cards that we can add to our immigration pile for “proof” of our relationship. It still terrifies me that I’m putting my marriage in the hands of someone that I have never met, but I guess it’s a risk I have to take, since I’ve fallen in love with a Canadian man!

I’ve done more research on hypothyroidism over the past few days, and the more I read the more I realize that this has to be my problem. Once I have health care I think I’m going to go in to get it checked out, because it’ll be much better to know and have it treated. How amazing would it be if after struggling with anxiety, depression and weight gain (amongst other things, though those three are the most visible symptoms for me) that I would find out that none of it is my “fault” and that it can be treated? I’d be super relieved, not to mention the fact that perhaps for once my hard work when it comes to healthy eating and working out might actually finally pay off. I’m so over being fat and depressed.

I’m installing the Sims 2 right now. I uninstalled it because my previous installation was a mess - all random folders and tainted with custom content that didn’t work, and extra files in the game. It’ll be nice to have a clean slate to play on! I just hope I can have self-control and, oh, I don’t know, organization when it comes to custom content this time. No sense in messing up the game again. Especially not with this many installations, as they’d take forever to wade through and reinstall, like they are now!

Anyway, I believe I’m going to finish these installations and head to bed to watch some Spongebob (Hey, what can I say? I love the little yellow guy!) and read French Women Don’t Get Fat. I hope everyone has a wonderful night!

I’m thinking about slightly re-vamping the site yet again. I need to make a perfect theme for myself and stick with it. Also coming up will be a DITL I did the other day, once I upload the photos and label them and all that. That’s the worst part of DITLs - they take so long!

I’ve been a bit down lately about everything and nothing all at the same time. I think it’s just my mental state. I need to get out and enjoy myself. I’m trying, though!

I’m honestly quite tired of lazy days, but I don’t get much else these days. I’ll be filling out my immigration paperwork within the next couple weeks and mailing that out, which is terrifying! I’ll be going in for volunteer training on Monday which is less scary. Other than that, I have absolutely nothing to do with my time!

Today I changed a few of my 101 things list. I was able to move rearrange the bedroom from the “to do” list to the “done” list, which is cool. I need to do a few of those other things on my own though. Maybe sometime in the next few weeks I’ll get them done! Another thing I changed is that I added something. I’ve wanted to do this for quite a while, so regardless of how silly it is, I added that I want to own either this ring or this ring. I’ve come so close to buying the mesh heart ring so many times that I couldn’t begin to count them, but always backed down. But I decided that I deserve something nice, and once I’m able to own that ring, then I will deserve it. Notice I didn’t say that I have to BUY it. Matt could buy it for me, or a family member, but I’ll most likely be buying it myself, which will probably make me feel proud!

Other than that… I’m attempting to eat healthier these days because I’m frustrated again with my weight. However, when am I not? I need to get back into the gym. I’ve been wanting to go with Katie, but she has been sick since we went last week, poor thing, so I think I just need to get myself in there and do it myself. I can’t rely on anyone but myself! I just feel so worthless these days. The depression is hitting me pretty hard lately and not much makes it better. I think it’s cabin fever. I spent Canada Day doing laundry, and I never go out, and I don’t have a tan. But that’s news for another time.