I am so fatigued lately. It’s not just tired - I know it’s not a lack of sleep because I’m on a more regular sleeping schedule lately than I have been in years. I’m just worn out. I haven’t been to the gym in a few days, but even Matt hasn’t given me a hard time because I’ve felt so miserable.

I’ve been working on my immigration forms and will be mailing them out this week. What should make me nervous feels like a big sigh of relief just on the horizon. Preparing to send them is stressing me out to my limits - “What if I forget something?” “What if this isn’t enough?” “What if something goes wrong?” - but I think once I mail them, I’ll be good. I keep hearing that after they’re sent is the easy part, so I’ll trust in that. I just go along with my life, one day at a time, and wait. I don’t have to do anything but wait. No more blaming myself for procrastination or for anxiety attacks. No more waking up in the middle of the night thinking “Oh my goodness, I’m going to be kicked out of the country for no reason”, just… relaxing. Living. That’ll be a nice change of pace.

Matt’s mom is home for the next two days. She’s been here since last week sometime, and while I don’t mind having her here, I am looking forward to her going back on vacation. There’s something about readjusting to not being the woman of the house that always stresses me out. I don’t feel like leaving my room and I end up feeling claustrophobic and lazy.

I’ve been sick the past few days too. Last night I left my raid early, after killing Archimonde for the first time, my raid group was heading over to Black Temple, but I was so sick. I had chest pains and an upset stomach and my third migraine in as many days. Lately my head just feels cloudy, like I’m walking around in a fog. I’m exhausted (like I said) and just… blah. I’m hoping this weekend will cure that. I’m house-sitting for Matt’s sister next week and am looking forward to a few days out in the middle of nowhere. I could use the silence.

Title quote from Benjamin Franklin

I spent my day at the library today. I know this sounds like a boring thing for most people, but for me, it’s like my own little slice of Heaven. I don’t care if the kids are loud - mind you, they were very loud today, and running on tables. I don’t care of people look at me funny. I don’t care about any of these things, as long as I get to be around things I care about - books! I know this might come as a surprise as I don’t mention it often, but I love books. I’ve been an avid reader since I was two. Yes, two. I was reading books and even parts of the newspaper as a toddler. Funny story, actually. My grandparents are always glad to tell it. I used to walk around with I Can Fly in my hand, reading it to anyone that would listen. They were so convinced I had memorized the words, but I kept telling them I was reading it. They finally believed me when they took the book and gave me a newspaper instead!

Anyway, back to the library. I spent all day there, looking at books. I took two out at one point in the morning, probably around noon if I had to guess. I went back and found about five more I wanted, so I decided to take those out as well! Went up to the self-scanner thing, put my library card under it, and what does it say? “Please visit the circulation desk to check out your books.” I’m thinking this must be some sort of fraud thing, since I’d already checked out books during that day, so I walk on up to the desk and explain that to the woman behind the counter. The next words out of her mouth crushed me, though: “Your card only allows you to check two out at a time.” Wait, WHAT? Two at a time? I have seven delicious books in my hand just waiting to be read, and I can only have two?

Thankfully, I was able to skim through a few of them before Matt came to pick me up and make a list of the ones I wanted for next time, so I know what to get out. I’m going to try to get my card up to “regular” status instead of this weird limited one. I think if I bring my temporary resident paper they’ll see my address and hey, it’s from the government! If not, I’ll have to get Matt to go back to get a new one, as he seems to have lost his, unfortunately. On the bright side, while hunting for his card (with no luck, of course) I came across a few letters and cards that we can add to our immigration pile for “proof” of our relationship. It still terrifies me that I’m putting my marriage in the hands of someone that I have never met, but I guess it’s a risk I have to take, since I’ve fallen in love with a Canadian man!

I’ve done more research on hypothyroidism over the past few days, and the more I read the more I realize that this has to be my problem. Once I have health care I think I’m going to go in to get it checked out, because it’ll be much better to know and have it treated. How amazing would it be if after struggling with anxiety, depression and weight gain (amongst other things, though those three are the most visible symptoms for me) that I would find out that none of it is my “fault” and that it can be treated? I’d be super relieved, not to mention the fact that perhaps for once my hard work when it comes to healthy eating and working out might actually finally pay off. I’m so over being fat and depressed.

I’m installing the Sims 2 right now. I uninstalled it because my previous installation was a mess - all random folders and tainted with custom content that didn’t work, and extra files in the game. It’ll be nice to have a clean slate to play on! I just hope I can have self-control and, oh, I don’t know, organization when it comes to custom content this time. No sense in messing up the game again. Especially not with this many installations, as they’d take forever to wade through and reinstall, like they are now!

Anyway, I believe I’m going to finish these installations and head to bed to watch some Spongebob (Hey, what can I say? I love the little yellow guy!) and read French Women Don’t Get Fat. I hope everyone has a wonderful night!

I’ve taken a “mental health” weekend from WoW because I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess the past few days. The stress of it all is getting to me (not just WoW, obviously) and I needed some time to recharge and recover, so I talked to a few friends and took the weekend to relax. Of course, true to form I had a bit of a spaz attack tonight, but Stacy cheered me up, as she usually does:

[22:11] Stacy: MY NAME IS ANGELA! AND I AM FUCKING AMAZING UBERLEETSUPER SAUCE
[22:11] Stacy: so sayeth Stacy

I’m going in Monday for my passport. I had quite the adventure today when, thanks to my procrastination, I went in late to get my photos. I get to Superstore, tell them I need passport photos - but American ones, and the girl says “We don’t do American passport photos here; our camera doesn’t take a photo small enough for that.” Wait, what? I freaked out. It’s Saturday, my appointment is Monday, and you can’t get a passport without a photo. So instead of going to the gym, I hop in the car, drive over to the nearest Walmart and cross my fingers walking into the building. I walk down the front of the store, where I see customer service, the bathrooms, vision centre, and McDonalds. I say again: wait, what? Commence freak-out number two. I start to walk out the door when, thank goodness, the sign enters my peripheral vision and I sigh a huge sign of relief: Photo Studio. Of course, here’s the real test… do they do American passport photos? The girl answers back “Yep, the only ones we can’t do are British passports!” Cue the Hallelujah Chorus and angels with trumpets and sparkly things everywhere. THEY CAN TAKE MY PHOTO! Of course, the photo is terrible but really, function over fashion, people - I got it done! I head back to the gym, where I do a fairly small but rather tiring workout, and then go on home to barbecue some steak and veggies and spend the evening at home.

I seriously have some fantastic friends. I probably knew that all along, but it takes a night like tonight to really rub that fact in. Tonight was a rough night in WoW, and stacking that with the immigration nerves and other mental… issues that I was having tonight made me absolutely freak out. I cried for about four hours straight, then that turned into a full-blown anxiety attack, and I couldn’t take it. I talked to Stacy for a while, who calmed me down. (Thank you sweetie! ♥) After that, I talked to another Stacey, who helped me come up with a possible solution to my lack of purpose: volunteering.

Now, I’ve been suggested that before, but not by anyone who could actually give me concrete facts about any of it. This time, though, I’ve been given an idea of a place to volunteer, and proof that people volunteer there without it affecting their immigration status. Those are two very important things to me, because I wouldn’t know where to begin otherwise.

I’m just so tired of not having a purpose in my life. So many people are so quick to say “Oh, you’re so lucky, you don’t have to do anything” and they’re wrong. I wish I was able to work. I miss getting up in the morning with a plan. I thrive on structure and life around me and lately I have neither, and so I need to fix that. I’ll be a better friend, a better wife, and a better person if I help improve the world around myself instead of just… existing in it. I’m tired of just existing.

Mew Mew is going to get spayed tomorrow. This is totally routine and necessary, I know, but I’m still freaking out.

I’ve had bad luck with cats going to vets and never leaving. My first cat when I was young was overdosed on her anesthetic when she was being put under and never woke up. Another cat I had went into the vet for a simple procedure and had to be put down because they found a tumor that was causing him pain and could not be removed.

I’m so afraid she’s going to go in the morning and not come back. I know it’s pathetic but she just… She can’t not come back, you know? Ugh.