…I’ve opened up this page probably ten times today to post, and haven’t had a ton to say. I don’t know why, really. I’m just moody lately.

Yesterday was eventful. I ate everything in sight the night before (bad, I know) and was feeling horribly guilty about it, but I was feeling too down/lazy to want to go to the gym. Finally Matt told me to gather stuff up for the storm today, so I had to go to Superstore, so I had to go to the gym. Why go to Superstore on a gym day (every other day) if I wasn’t going to go to the gym?

I worked harder at the gym than I have yet. I didn’t do any ab-work because I was too embarrassed, which I need to get over. But I did 30 minutes on the bike at level 6 (I’m usually doing it on level 1, sometimes 2), then 12 minutes on the elliptical, doubling my first time and adding two minutes since last time. A bit of an improvement. I also added 5 pounds to some of the weights that I was using. I felt better and walked into the grocery store smiling afterward.

I spent a bit of time gathering food/supplies and checked out. The lines were seriously long since everyone was preparing for the storm. I didn’t mind too much, though. There was a couple two places in front of me that I was terribly curious of. They had six jugs of cat litter (no joke!), 40 or so cans of spaghetti/ravioli/canned veggies, and all in all had almost $400 worth of groceries. I wonder how much the cat litter was alone! What surprised me was that they only had litter and no cat food. Either they really hate buying litter, or they were doing something with it today. Maybe they live on a hill and needed sandbags or something, I don’t know. Anyway, it was an interesting sight.

From there, I started to drive home. Same way I drive home every other day. “Photograph” by Nickelback came on and I felt really emotional for some reason and started crying, and then managed to get lost. In the tiny (10 minutes? Tops?) drive home, I got lost. So lost, in fact, that I could have visited Amy, for those of you who know where she/I live(s). For those of you that don’t… I went about a half hour out of the way to get home - 10 minutes from the grocery store. Seriously. How I did that, I’ll never know.

Today, we’ve got a huge storm. Hurricane Noel, to be exact. I’ve never seen a hurricane in person - not even the tail end of one, so I don’t know what to expect. Matt’s all excited, but I just hope the power doesn’t go out. Just in case, I have plenty of candles and I even got Clue yesterday (not to mention we have Monopoly, too!) to keep us occupied.

If the weather’s not too bad tomorrow, I’ll be going back to the gym. I’ll forgive myself if I skip tomorrow and start a new routine the day after because of the weather. I’m still beating myself up over all the junk food lately. Chips, lasagna, chocolate… I just feel horrible about it all. I know I can get back on track, that’s not the question. The question is how? And when? I can’t keep putting it off. I’m hovering at a weight that I don’t like, and I want to see results! I think that’s part of what’s got me so down lately. It really is a vicious cycle. I “screw up” on my eating, then I get depressed. Because I’m depressed, I eat everything in sight, which spins me back toward feeling depressed yet again. I want out of this cycle!

It always seems like when there’s a lot I want to do, I have zero motivation. Right now, I keep looking at my list of things that need to be cleaned, and not doing any of them. I get way overwhelmed with housework and when there’s too much to do, I don’t want to do any. I’m well aware of how strange that might sound, but it’s not as strange as it seems. I don’t think, anyway. It’s like… I have a mountain to climb, but I don’t know quite where to start. I feel that way about a lot of things in my life right now.

I totally pigged out tonight. Tacos and taco salad for dinner. However, that was all I ate except for a piece of bread with peanut butter this morning. I’ve decided that Saturdays will be my “indulgence” days - I’m not holding myself accountable like the rest of the week. I’ve discovered that my body is getting more and more used to portion control and cravings control and it’s rejecting too much food or “bad” food. So I’m literally just going to go with my gut on Saturdays.

I bought some new deodorant today, too. Secret Clinical Strength stuff. I’ve heard good things about it, so I figured I’d try it. I have such problems with deodorant that I decided it was worth a change. So far I’m incredibly impressed - no problems at all, and I feel dryer and less icky than I usually do.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. This explains the posting at quarter after 5 in the morning. Just too much running through my head. Problems with people, problems with myself, problems with my body and my past and my future. Just so many problems. It’s like when one thing gets me down, the rest come with it. I started feeling a tiny bit lonely. Then I started also feeling annoyed with many people. These two feelings snowballed together for a while and ended up with me not wanting to talk to anyone. I decided that if I wasn’t worth other peoples’ time, or if they were just going to annoy me or bring the drama, I wasn’t going to bother. Why bother, right? Well, this led to the battle of the brain - I was lonely and I was antisocial. It’s usually one or the other, but nope. I wanted friends but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Way to get in my own way, I guess. Anyway, after this, I started feeling the “autumn” feeling. It hits me harder than most people, I think. Autumn leads to winter, and winter leads to depression for me for many reasons that I don’t really want to go into. Just know that if winter never came, I might feel better. But I can’t make it go away. However, my hair is falling out again. Matt’s finding it everywhere, and every time I run my fingers through it I lose a bunch. It’s the stress. It’s the mental issues. It’s stuff that I can’t possibly deal with on my own but don’t have anyone to help me deal with.

Anyway, a very good friend of mine suggested that I lay back and read a book, so I did. In a baking soda bath. After softening my feet and shaving my legs. I put on my White Strips and lay back in the nice warm water and read a book. Did it help? A bit. But not enough to make it go away, so I’m still awake. However, I’m tired, so I think I’ll be going to bed soon.

So for those of you that wondered what’s been going on, this is the summary. Really, I just want to go out right now. I feel like I wasted the whole summer because I had nobody to share most of it with, and now I’m afraid I’ll waste the fall and come winter, my life will be ruined by events that I can’t help but be afraid of. So… yeah.

How is everyone? I feel bad that I’ve been so anti-social but I’m dealing with a mess of personal issues that I don’t really want to or know how to talk about with anyone, so I’m dealing with them silently. That’s part of why I’m avoiding socializing online right now… I don’t need more drama to add to the mess that’s in my brain! That said, I hope everyone’s well. My self-induced solitude is a bit depressing and lonely, but I’ll work through it.

I found out Matt’s sister is coming to town for Christmas. The word Christmas gives me a shiver and makes me want to curl up in a ball, but I’ll get past that. I just wish there was a way to make it all go away so I can think about what used to be the happiest time of the year for me be that way again! I think it’s because bad things always happen to me in the winter, and I’m terrified what’s next.

Anyway, I’m trying to get back on track with my diet. I did lots of working out today and counted every calorie that went into my body, which is good. I’m really trying - I want to lose the weight pretty badly and with myself feeling so low I could use the rush that exercise gives me. Only problem was that today I pushed myself too hard and got to the point where I physically couldn’t continue - I collapsed into my chair and didn’t get up for about two hours. I’m just sick of the number on the scale and I want to make it go far, far away!

I really hope you all don’t have to read all this depressing crap until next spring. I want something fun to write about, I do! But I don’t go anywhere or do anything, and I don’t really have many people to talk to, so I just post about the same old crap every day! What’s more fun, reading about how I did absolutely the exact same thing as yesterday and last week, or not seeing me post at all? That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. If anyone actually reads this, I want answers!

I’m tired. I cleaned a bunch today, did some “farming” on my priest (I made over 300 gold today!), finished up Karazhan and pretty much spent my day alone and bored. I had a pretty rough night mentally and emotionally, but I had a couple people who helped and made me feel back on track.

There’s a lot going on in my head lately. A lot of things that I want to change about myself, but don’t have the drive, or the courage, or the opportunity. And sometimes I start out strong, and end up not-so-strong. I need to make a list of these things, but I’m going to do it somewhere privately. It’s a private thing, you know?

I think one thing that has gotten to me is feeling invisible. Right now, it’s with some raids. I’ll study an encounter, read up on it, know what is “supposed” to happen like the back of my hand, but nobody listens to my suggestions. I think it gets to me more because I dealt with this while I was working, too. I had good, organized, logical suggestions for how to fix things, but nobody listened. I really hope I can work on making myself heard.

Anyway, it’s really late (early, really, because it’s morning!) so I need some sleep. Badly. My body is very angry with me right now. My ankle is swollen, and I don’t know why. i don’t remember hitting it, but I probably did at some point.

This week’s Ten on Tuesday: 10 songs that make you sad.

Here are ten songs that always make me feel sad. Some of them, it’s because of the nature of the song. Many of them, though, it’s because of memories associated with the songs. They’re in no particular order - I just put them on the list as I thought of them. I admit, I’m a bit of a baby when it comes to music. There are otherwise very happy songs that make me cry - I can’t help it! And yes, the song selections are all over the place. What can I say, I listen to everything!

1. Tim McGraw - Don’t Take the Girl
2. Bob Carlisle - Butterfly Kisses
3. Garth Brooks - If Tomorrow Never Comes
4. Nickelback - Far Away * See note at bottom
5. Simple Plan - Crazy
6. Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings
7. Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey - One Sweet Day
8. Goo Goo Dolls - Better Days
9. The Judds - Grandpa, Tell Me ‘Bout the Good Old Days ** See second note at bottom
10. Newsong - Christmas Shoes

* This song (Far Away) is bittersweet for me. The song is about such a sad topic and reminds me of being so far away from Matt, and the video is horribly sad. At the same time, it was mine and Matt’s first dance at our wedding. The song fits us so well that we couldn’t not use it. So, like I said, bittersweet.

** Holy goodness. While finding the videos for these, this song was playing just long enough to link it in the post and it had me in tears. I’m such a baby. Seriously.