Words Unspoken|Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

I’m honestly quite tired of lazy days, but I don’t get much else these days. I’ll be filling out my immigration paperwork within the next couple weeks and mailing that out, which is terrifying! I’ll be going in for volunteer training on Monday which is less scary. Other than that, I have absolutely nothing to do with my time!

Today I changed a few of my 101 things list. I was able to move rearrange the bedroom from the “to do” list to the “done” list, which is cool. I need to do a few of those other things on my own though. Maybe sometime in the next few weeks I’ll get them done! Another thing I changed is that I added something. I’ve wanted to do this for quite a while, so regardless of how silly it is, I added that I want to own either this ring or this ring. I’ve come so close to buying the mesh heart ring so many times that I couldn’t begin to count them, but always backed down. But I decided that I deserve something nice, and once I’m able to own that ring, then I will deserve it. Notice I didn’t say that I have to BUY it. Matt could buy it for me, or a family member, but I’ll most likely be buying it myself, which will probably make me feel proud!

Other than that… I’m attempting to eat healthier these days because I’m frustrated again with my weight. However, when am I not? I need to get back into the gym. I’ve been wanting to go with Katie, but she has been sick since we went last week, poor thing, so I think I just need to get myself in there and do it myself. I can’t rely on anyone but myself! I just feel so worthless these days. The depression is hitting me pretty hard lately and not much makes it better. I think it’s cabin fever. I spent Canada Day doing laundry, and I never go out, and I don’t have a tan. But that’s news for another time.

I seriously have some fantastic friends. I probably knew that all along, but it takes a night like tonight to really rub that fact in. Tonight was a rough night in WoW, and stacking that with the immigration nerves and other mental… issues that I was having tonight made me absolutely freak out. I cried for about four hours straight, then that turned into a full-blown anxiety attack, and I couldn’t take it. I talked to Stacy for a while, who calmed me down. (Thank you sweetie! ♥) After that, I talked to another Stacey, who helped me come up with a possible solution to my lack of purpose: volunteering.

Now, I’ve been suggested that before, but not by anyone who could actually give me concrete facts about any of it. This time, though, I’ve been given an idea of a place to volunteer, and proof that people volunteer there without it affecting their immigration status. Those are two very important things to me, because I wouldn’t know where to begin otherwise.

I’m just so tired of not having a purpose in my life. So many people are so quick to say “Oh, you’re so lucky, you don’t have to do anything” and they’re wrong. I wish I was able to work. I miss getting up in the morning with a plan. I thrive on structure and life around me and lately I have neither, and so I need to fix that. I’ll be a better friend, a better wife, and a better person if I help improve the world around myself instead of just… existing in it. I’m tired of just existing.