Today was a day of major self-doubt.

I babysat my niece this morning, which was fine. I ate lunch, that was fine. I played some games, that, too, was fine.

The whole time I was thinking I wasn’t good enough for Matt. I have this weird fear that he’s going to have some epiphany while he’s away and realize he doesn’t want to be with me anymore or that I’m not worth his time.

I’ve seen the interest fly out of a relationship before. I think that’s why I’m so insecure. I’m torturing Matt with it, though, and I fear that by being insecure about him pushing away, I’m pushing him away with it instead.

He told me a few things tonight, though, that made me feel better. He really does love me as much as he did before. He is interested in me. I just need to keep that in mind.

He’s my motivation to be a better person. I want to get rid of my mental and emotional issues for him first, then me. I know everyone’s going to tell me that that’s the wrong order, but I see it this way: I’m happy if he’s happy. He is my life, he’s all that I’ve got. And the only way I’ll be happy is if he’s happy with me, so by doing this for him, I really am doing this for me. If that made sense. If not, oh well, I know what I mean.

My paper chain is still super long. These days better start going quicker. Think they will around the middle?

I slept all night! Holy goodness, it felt good. It was a bit weird getting up in the morning and functioning but I’m sure it’ll be great to not have to sleep halfway through the day!