This winter I vow to actually try to enjoy it. I know it sounds simple, but as I’ve posted multiple times recently, winter is a rough season for me. But this year I’ll pull through it. I have to!

My inspiration? These pictures. Winter really is gorgeous. I need to remember that and I need to give myself permission to relax and enjoy it. Everything will be fine, right?

It always seems like when there’s a lot I want to do, I have zero motivation. Right now, I keep looking at my list of things that need to be cleaned, and not doing any of them. I get way overwhelmed with housework and when there’s too much to do, I don’t want to do any. I’m well aware of how strange that might sound, but it’s not as strange as it seems. I don’t think, anyway. It’s like… I have a mountain to climb, but I don’t know quite where to start. I feel that way about a lot of things in my life right now.

I totally pigged out tonight. Tacos and taco salad for dinner. However, that was all I ate except for a piece of bread with peanut butter this morning. I’ve decided that Saturdays will be my “indulgence” days - I’m not holding myself accountable like the rest of the week. I’ve discovered that my body is getting more and more used to portion control and cravings control and it’s rejecting too much food or “bad” food. So I’m literally just going to go with my gut on Saturdays.

I bought some new deodorant today, too. Secret Clinical Strength stuff. I’ve heard good things about it, so I figured I’d try it. I have such problems with deodorant that I decided it was worth a change. So far I’m incredibly impressed - no problems at all, and I feel dryer and less icky than I usually do.

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. This explains the posting at quarter after 5 in the morning. Just too much running through my head. Problems with people, problems with myself, problems with my body and my past and my future. Just so many problems. It’s like when one thing gets me down, the rest come with it. I started feeling a tiny bit lonely. Then I started also feeling annoyed with many people. These two feelings snowballed together for a while and ended up with me not wanting to talk to anyone. I decided that if I wasn’t worth other peoples’ time, or if they were just going to annoy me or bring the drama, I wasn’t going to bother. Why bother, right? Well, this led to the battle of the brain - I was lonely and I was antisocial. It’s usually one or the other, but nope. I wanted friends but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Way to get in my own way, I guess. Anyway, after this, I started feeling the “autumn” feeling. It hits me harder than most people, I think. Autumn leads to winter, and winter leads to depression for me for many reasons that I don’t really want to go into. Just know that if winter never came, I might feel better. But I can’t make it go away. However, my hair is falling out again. Matt’s finding it everywhere, and every time I run my fingers through it I lose a bunch. It’s the stress. It’s the mental issues. It’s stuff that I can’t possibly deal with on my own but don’t have anyone to help me deal with.

Anyway, a very good friend of mine suggested that I lay back and read a book, so I did. In a baking soda bath. After softening my feet and shaving my legs. I put on my White Strips and lay back in the nice warm water and read a book. Did it help? A bit. But not enough to make it go away, so I’m still awake. However, I’m tired, so I think I’ll be going to bed soon.

So for those of you that wondered what’s been going on, this is the summary. Really, I just want to go out right now. I feel like I wasted the whole summer because I had nobody to share most of it with, and now I’m afraid I’ll waste the fall and come winter, my life will be ruined by events that I can’t help but be afraid of. So… yeah.

I am really freaking lonely.