Words Unspoken|Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

I’m so bored. Really. You know those moments when you don’t really feel like doing anything but you want something to do? Yeah, that’s what I’m going through right now. It doesn’t help that tonight’s Grey’s was a rerun. Ugh! Matt and I laid in bed to watch it and it was the first one of the season. I really hope I don’t have to wait too long to see the last part of the last episode. It had the best cliffhanger at the end!

I’m a bit sore. So far this week, I’ve went to the gym twice. Tomorrow will make my third day. Wednesday was a rough day for me. I got there and ran on the treadmill, then tried to go on the bike, and it just didn’t feel like it was working. I ended up talking to the fitness manager and crying. I felt like such a baby! She reassured me that it happens a lot and that it’s not an easy thing to do. Then she took me in the personal training room and weighed me and got my body fat percentage and gave me a goal to work for. She said to talk to her around Christmas and we’ll see how I’m progressing. She gave me a fitness plan to work for, too, which helps a lot. I was totally focusing on the wrong thing. It’s no wonder I haven’t seen progress in a couple months! I’m feeling refreshed and just in time, too, for the new month!

Christmas is coming soon. I’m not totally excited about it, just like I haven’t been the past few years, but I’m feeling a bit more excited this year than the past two, so that’s good. I’ve already bought some of Matt’s gifts and wrapped them. I’ve also bought Christmas cards and started addressing them. I’m trying to still force myself out of my “funk” and get happy and excited and be… well, be normal, I guess.

I was thinking today about what it’s like to be unique. I guess I’m unique - there’s nobody just like me in the world. Matt likes me for who I am, and I have a few friends that accept me the way I am, but I get the feeling a lot of people just write me off instead of giving me a chance. This makes me sad, but what’s a girl to do, right? I guess it’s hard for me to tell when I should just give up and when I should be persistent. I don’t want to seem like I don’t care, but I don’t want to come across as annoying, either. I’m so bad at this social thing, really.

It’s 4:23 am right now. What does that mean? To me, it means that I should be in bed. But instead, feeling sick (ugh, I had pizza tonight, which makes me sooo bad) and pain (yay, possibly another kidney infection, can’t you see my excitement?) are keeping me awake. So, I’ve decided to give myself this time to relax and refresh.

I’m thinking about this diet thing. I know, it’s all I blog about. But it’s almost all I think about. My weight. Isn’t that sad? I have a wonderful man who loves me just the way I am, and calls me womanly and treats me like I’m the most beautiful girl around, and yet all I can think is that I’m too fat and too round and totally unattractive. At least this way I know I’m doing this for me and not for him - the way it should be!

I read You: On a Diet and followed the meal plan for a week. That week was awesome. I lost weight and got myself set up with awesome momentum and that went from 2 pounds to 5 pounds to 10 pounds very quickly. And now I’m stuck. I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve gotten relaxed with my eating. See above, where I mention that I had pizza for dinner. Ugh. So bad.

I’m going to follow the meal plan again next week. Just very select parts of it, though. Breakfast in the morning - bread with peanut butter. Veggies before lunch. Spinach walnut salad for lunch. Veggies/fruit before dinner. Turkey wrap for dinner. Small snack after dinner. Nuts before every meal, 30 minutes before the meal. Logging everything I eat.

I need to get back on track, if for no other reason than to stop whining about how I need to get back on track. It’s annoying me.

I have decided to give myself a bit of wiggle room with the gym, though. At least until this infection or whatever it is goes away, or I go to a doctor. I don’t need to overexert myself when I’m feeling so crummy.

My guild decided to run a retro raid night and head into AQ40 to finally see C’Thun die. We never did get to kill him pre-BC, so we were all super happy to see him get one-shotted tonight! Revenge, I tell you.

I got Fetish of the Sand Reaver! Funny, since I say that my spells should all be renamed “aggro” instead of their real names!

PS: Check out the super nifty links! Seriously, check it out. Hover over Fetish of the Sand Reaver up there!

I can’t completely shake my funk lately. I’ve been a bit moody and lazy lately, with not much to blog about. I live a pretty boring life!

Matt and I went out to Arby’s today. We had no idea there was one here until the other day, so we decided to go today. It was good, but I’m feeling super guilty about all the calories I probably put into my body. We walked around Walmart and the new Best Buy for a while, and I haven’t eaten much else, so I’m trying to get the guilt out of my mind. It’s not the worst thing I could do!

I’m working on my 101 things list right now. Can you believe I’m more than half done? Craziness, if you ask me. There’s a lot to do still, and not everything on there is something I can expect to achieve, but I’m still trying! Right now I’m watching Pulp Fiction in an attempt to get back on track for my Films to See list.

I’m also (still!) working on organizing my music folder. So many things in so many different formats in random folders… It’s utter chaos in there! It might take me a while to do it but it’ll be refreshing after I’m done, that’s for sure.

That’s about it for now. I’m going to force myself to go to the gym tomorrow and possibly Saturday, too. Definitely need to kick my butt in gear again - I’m slacking and it’s so obvious and so bad.

I think I know why it’s so hard to lose the weight that I want to lose. I know it’s my motivation and how I get really motivated all at once and then it goes away and I don’t want to do anything. It’s like I get burnt out and want to give up. It’s hard not to give up, to be honest.

At the gym on Thursday, I did fifteen minutes on the elliptical. That was fantastic, and I was so proud. But I couldn’t get through my full circuit of weights, I felt like a complete failure. I gave up when I got tired, changed into my regular clothes, and sat in my car and cried for a few minutes. Then, I went to Walmart to pick up a shirt so I could go out that night, and nothing wanted to fit right. It was like my whole world was reminding me that I’m fat and a failure.

That night, though, I went out for the first time in too long. It was dark in the bar, so I wasn’t too concerned with how I looked. The three Smirnoffs didn’t hurt, either. I was dancing. I was smiling. I was meeting people and talking and laughing… it was great. I just wish I could feel that way all the time.

I think a big problem with weight loss is that it’s such a huge, obvious problem. It’s not like a more subtle problem that you can quietly work on in the background. It’s right there. It’s the first thing someone notices when they look at you, most times. I have a lot of problems that I was working on with going out Thursday night. I have crazy social anxiety that makes me want to clam up and hide under a rock when I’m with a group of people, but nobody would have known that at the bar that night. I pushed it aside and fought against it and met new people and had some much-needed fun! I can hide that problem and work on it as it comes. My weight, though? Everyone sees my weight. They see that my clothes fit a bit funny and that I look pregnant if I turn the wrong way. They see that my thighs might rub together when I walk or that my arms aren’t toned or that if I look down my chin might double up a bit. They see that because it’s right there, in front of them, where they can’t help but see it.

With weight loss, a lot of times it feels like a black or white situation. You’re either in shape, or you’re not. You either succeed and get to your ideal weight, or you fail. If you lose ten pounds, like I have, then put on one or two for a week, you lose all determination to continue, because you feel you’ve already failed. Of course you failed, because the number on the scale got bigger instead of smaller. You ate chips, and now you feel like a sponge and are so bloated your pants fit funny. These things are very real and always in the front of my mind.

I know none of these reasons alone are good reasons to want to lose weight. But the reason for me wanting to lose weight is a good one. I want to be comfortable with how I look. I want to be able to run and dance and jump and goof around. I want to be able to walk downtown without wanting to pass out after a short distance. I want to turn heads and feel like I fit in. It’s hard enough being the new girl in town, but instead I’m the new fat girl in town. So yes, I guess I am doing this for a lot of reasons, but it’s all for me.