I think I know why it’s so hard to lose the weight that I want to lose. I know it’s my motivation and how I get really motivated all at once and then it goes away and I don’t want to do anything. It’s like I get burnt out and want to give up. It’s hard not to give up, to be honest.

At the gym on Thursday, I did fifteen minutes on the elliptical. That was fantastic, and I was so proud. But I couldn’t get through my full circuit of weights, I felt like a complete failure. I gave up when I got tired, changed into my regular clothes, and sat in my car and cried for a few minutes. Then, I went to Walmart to pick up a shirt so I could go out that night, and nothing wanted to fit right. It was like my whole world was reminding me that I’m fat and a failure.

That night, though, I went out for the first time in too long. It was dark in the bar, so I wasn’t too concerned with how I looked. The three Smirnoffs didn’t hurt, either. I was dancing. I was smiling. I was meeting people and talking and laughing… it was great. I just wish I could feel that way all the time.

I think a big problem with weight loss is that it’s such a huge, obvious problem. It’s not like a more subtle problem that you can quietly work on in the background. It’s right there. It’s the first thing someone notices when they look at you, most times. I have a lot of problems that I was working on with going out Thursday night. I have crazy social anxiety that makes me want to clam up and hide under a rock when I’m with a group of people, but nobody would have known that at the bar that night. I pushed it aside and fought against it and met new people and had some much-needed fun! I can hide that problem and work on it as it comes. My weight, though? Everyone sees my weight. They see that my clothes fit a bit funny and that I look pregnant if I turn the wrong way. They see that my thighs might rub together when I walk or that my arms aren’t toned or that if I look down my chin might double up a bit. They see that because it’s right there, in front of them, where they can’t help but see it.

With weight loss, a lot of times it feels like a black or white situation. You’re either in shape, or you’re not. You either succeed and get to your ideal weight, or you fail. If you lose ten pounds, like I have, then put on one or two for a week, you lose all determination to continue, because you feel you’ve already failed. Of course you failed, because the number on the scale got bigger instead of smaller. You ate chips, and now you feel like a sponge and are so bloated your pants fit funny. These things are very real and always in the front of my mind.

I know none of these reasons alone are good reasons to want to lose weight. But the reason for me wanting to lose weight is a good one. I want to be comfortable with how I look. I want to be able to run and dance and jump and goof around. I want to be able to walk downtown without wanting to pass out after a short distance. I want to turn heads and feel like I fit in. It’s hard enough being the new girl in town, but instead I’m the new fat girl in town. So yes, I guess I am doing this for a lot of reasons, but it’s all for me.